to be a man
by Alerdyn
Summary: AU. Jack makes a risky move to hold onto Ennis a little longer.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, know no one.  
My first fan fiction! Actually the first thing I've written in over 15 years, please forgive my being so rusty! All constructive criticism appreciated! 

**to be a man**

It all changed so quickly. Jack had never known a man could feel the way he did when he got that postcard. He couldn't even remember the ride to Wyoming, like he flew on joy itself. When he held Ennis for that moment, it was complete. All the suffering, the longing, the frustration it was all over. They were going to be together just they way he knew they would the first time he saw Ennis trying to hide in his jacket and under his hat in front of Aguirre's. It seemed so long ago.

"Jack, I'm sorry, you know that I am…"

Jack's head was spinning. He had to look away from Ennis or he was going to break. He stared at the rolling hills before him, beautiful, empty, cold, and eternal.

"A storm's moving in." Jack herd himself say, but was not conscious of speaking. How many times do I have to relive this moment.

"Jack…"

"I guess I'll see you next month then." Jack focused on each step. Each step. Away from Ennis, away from pain, away from life.

Jack lifted his eyes as he reached for the ignition. Ennis stood slightly stooped, hands in his pockets, watching helplessly as a child. Framed against the endless hills he looked like the only living being in existence. Longing and fear fell so heavily on Jack his arms fell to his sides.

No.

Ennis was falling. Not just from him but from life itself. He prayed to God for the first time since he was a boy… let me catch his hand.

Jack pressed the gas peddle and flooded the engine. He tried to turn over the engine several times, hoping to God that it wouldn't, before popping the hood. It was all or nothing. With the pocket knife hidden in his hand he looked down and cut the fuel line.

"Ah shit, beggin' your pardon ladies." Jack tipped his hat to the girls in the truck, subtly tucking the pocket knife into his coat pocket with his other hand.

"What's wrong, Jack?" Ennis moved next to him and looked under the hood. Jack, didn't know shit about the working of his vehicles , never did. He also didn't know how to make it look like he didn't intentionally cut the hose.

"Shit, Jack." Ennis said under his breath, his heart beginning to race. He tossed a side glance at the truck with the girls in it, and without looking at Jack continued, "You're gonna need a new hose." His tone was cold. "Come on, we'll take you to town." Ennis popped his head into the driver side window of his truck. "Looks like we're gonna have to make a stop at the garage and pick up some parts before we get ice cream girls, Jack's having a little trouble with his truck."

The girls were used to losing time with their Dad, but it was usually to the faceless and ubiquitous "work." This thief however had a name, a concrete presence and even a black hat.

When Jack took the cramped seat next to Alma Jr., he was fairly sure the temperature in the truck was a solid 15 degrees colder then outside.

* * *

Jack Twist. Alma Jr. knew the name. It was like a magic word, that made her Daddy warm like the sun and her Momma turn to ice. She wanted to dislike him, to do otherwise seemed a betrayal. Only a betrayal of who and how, she wasn't sure. She was polite but distant. For the first 5 miles or so the truck was silent.

But Jack had something to share. A history of happy times with Ennis. He told them about trying to separate two flocks of sheep after a sever hail storm, about creative if utterly unsuccessful attempts to dress up beans, and highlights of the first summer and after.

"You fought a bear Dad!" Jenny's eyes grew wide.

"It didn't quite go like that darlin."

Jenny was almost instantly taken with Jack's handsome looks, beguiling smile and friendly manner. Yeah, Jenny's like that Alma Jr. thought to herself, feeling, now herself betrayed. Sweet as a summer strawberry, her momma always said…. about as bright too… that second part was Alma Jr.'s addition.

"The horse threw you Jack? Did it hurt?"

"It did throw him, but no worry, his harmonica broke his fall." Ennis said.

"You play the harmonica!"

"As a matter of fact I do."

"Aw, Christ." mumbled Ennis with a big smile.

"Do you know how to play the harmonica, Daddy?"

"No Sweetie, I'm still waiting for Jack to figure it out so he can teach me."

"Ha, Ennis, I swear if you were any funnier, you'd be only slightly annoying."

Despite herself, when Ennis and Jack laughed Alma Jr. couldn't help but laugh too. While she normally didn't like to have to share the time she got with her Dad, even with Jenny (or especially Jenny, depending on the weekend), Jack fell in such easy rhythm with them, it was like he had always been there.

Alma Jr. couldn't remember a time when her father smiled like there were no more cares on his shoulders. It softened the feel of loneliness about him. For a moment so brief, she was only aware of it's fading, she understood. She couldn't put it into words and the mechanics of the whole thing utterly eluded her, but she felt the pure connection of two souls and found herself hoping that Jack would stay forever.

* * *

Sunday evening, Ennis dropped the girls off at Alma and Monroe's. After he drove away Alma Jr. grabbed her little sisters arm. In a whisper she said, "Jenny, I don't think we should mention that we met Jack." Alma wasn't sure why she gave her sister that warning, nor why Jenny listened to her. Maybe she too sensed there was a danger lurking somewhere in the magic of the name, Jack Twist.

* * *

Dropping the girls off hurt him every time. He was dropping them off to their new family. It was the right thing he told himself. Monroe, the slimy 'condiment' pushing bastard, could give them a life he never could. He wanted Alma to be happy. She was good people. She deserved to be happy.

Still, when the girls walked into their house, the little bit of sunshine disappeared and the drive home seemed twice as long, his company now being confusion and regret.

But tonight, he flew home. Jack was waiting. Ennis tried to get mad about what Jack did. It was crazy, made no sense and couldn't possible work… It was perfectly, Jack. So despite his best efforts, when ever he though about it, he couldn't not smile. And to the crazy bastards credit. It did work. Jack, fuckin Twist.

* * *

"What are people gonna say, Jack, huh? Did you think about that?"

"People will be trying to figure out how an asshole like you has a friend." Jack smiled. The lecture that Ennis prepared while driving back from dropping off the girls melted away like a dream. That damn smile. Jack stretched a hand out and pulled Ennis down on top of him. Ennis settled easily into his arms. "Jack fuckin Twist.."

"I got some groceries."

"Yeah? I though your truck was still waiting parts?"

"Ennis, not even rodeo folk are stupid enough to break something we can't fix, especially in a small ass town like… well like anywhere in Wyoming."

"It was a stupid stunt that you pulled, Jack." They sat for a long while in silence, Jack leaning his head down to kiss Ennis's temple. "Sorry… I just kinda lost it … it's just… I feel this cold when I see you walking away… like the sun getting swallowed by storm clouds." Jack was feeling the pain rise again. The feel of Ennis in his arms and warmth of their bodies, that each time he said good bye to Ennis it seemed like it was longer till he got to see him again. "I thought I'd just get use to this. I thought it would get easier. But… sometimes… sometimes I miss you so much I can barley stand it."

Ennis wanted to ease his friends pain that was a perfect reflection of his own. He wanted to explain how every time he saw Jack disappear over the horizon, part of him died. How over the years he felt himself fading, so now when he'd look in the mirror he could see through his reflection like a ghost. How no matter who else he was with or what he was doing, the hollowness in his chest wouldn't stop hurting. But Words never came easily to him, so he just held him tighter and kissed him. "Tonight you ain't going anywhere and neither am I."

* * *

The storm woke Ennis. He stretched out an arm to pull Jack close. No one was there. The hail was hitting the windows so hard he thought it might break the panes. Another dream… Ennis pulled the pillow to his chest and began to cry.

Jack came out of the bathroom, his eyes on the windows. "Quite a stor…Ennis?"

Ennis raised, his eyes still heavy with sleep, and roughly held Jacks face, slid a hand down his chest like he couldn't believe he was real. He feared if he let go for a second he'd disappear again. "Jack…" He kissed and pulled him hard against him..

"Damn, Ennis, what is it. It's ok, I got ya."

They fell onto the bed together. Ennis was embarrassed by his outburst, but still wouldn't let go. "Ennis, I asked you once to come with me. I thought you were accepting finally when I got your card. I got a little money saved up. My own money, Lureen don't know about it. It's enough. It'll get us some livestock. My parents ranch is.."

"You parent's ain't gonna like having me show up…" Ennis had full control again, and the flatness of his tone stung.

"I already told them that you was coming." Jack shot a guilty glance at Ennis. "I told you I mistook your postcard. Maybe if you wrote more then 10 words I'd have a better idea of what your were thinking…" It was a weak defense and he knew it.

Ennis felt the panic washing over him till he thought he would drown. "Jack this aint fair…"

"Fair? What's fair Ennis?" Jack was surprised by his own tone. "You think staying here like a god dammed shut in makes things fair?" Ennis got up and walked to the widow, his back to Jack. The sudden cold against his skin made Jack shudder.

Jack continued raising from the bed. "Damn it Ennis, I can't drink enough to make you leave my dreams.…" his voice was small and labored. "You are ALWAYS here," Jack looked like he were trying to physically wipe memories from his mind, his wedding ring nicking his brow. "I close my eyes and I smell smoke and sage and I can feel you walking with me. I feel you, see you and smell you and I reach out and touch nothing. I spend our time together half afraid that when I reach for you that I'll wake up to find you gone." He pulled Ennis back against him, resting his head on Ennis's shoulder. They stood watching the storm for several minutes. "It ain't ever gonna change unless you make it change." Jack faltered. "And I can't do this anymore, Ennis. If I could tie you up and bring you with me I would…"

"Not the way you rope…" Ennis tried to make the joke, to break what was coming, but his own voice broke.

"…but I can't. I'm leaving tomorrow Ennis. And you have to decide if you want to be with me or not. If WE have a life or not." Ennis began shaking his head but Jack turned him to face him, caught his face in his hands and kissed him. "My wanting you ain't enough Ennis. You have to want to be with me too. And be man enough to face whatever that brings."

* * *

That night, Ennis dreamed of Earl's lynching. He saw his futile defense of raised hands against hate and steel. It was merciful that he was near dead when the tied him up. He only moaned slightly as they tied him. One of the men slapped the horse sending him off running. Several men and women laughed and hollered. Ennis was standing naked as the horse rode directly towards him, but he couldn't move or even yell. Ennis was covered in blood and a tire iron was in his hand. And he couldn't drop it.

Warmth. He could feel Jack holding him, kissing him. The whisper seemed to come from heaven itself. "Ssssh, it's alright. I got ya."

The sun was shining on his face. He was warm and could smell the fresh hay mixed with scent of fall. Earl and Rich were working on mending a fence that would separate the new Momma and calf from the rest of the herd. He couldn't make out what was being said, but could here it when they laughed. Seemed they could anticipate the others movement and made the hard work look like a nearly effortless game. Earl stopped his working for a moment and looked at Ennis. Smiled and winked then went back to his conversation. And he knew for the first time what had gone though heads of those crazy son of bitchs, setting up together It didn't matter the danger. They were going to be together, for days, years or decades, and that alone made the future worth pursing.

Ennis was trying to count the number of days he was with Jack in the last 15 years. How many days was he alive in a lifetime?

* * *

Ennis looked at the small pile of belongings in the back of Jack's truck and checked the hitch to the horse trailer for the 6th time.

"Ennis don't worry." Jack said as they climbed into the truck. "I told my folks my plan was to build a cabin for myself and you were coming to help me out. If anyone asks, and they won't, we'll tell 'em the truth. You are there to help turn the ranch around, and we will do that. After a while people will just be used to seeing you around. People in the town don't say much and don't care what happens off their property, expecting the same from you. Dead quite. You'll like them. We can build a separate cabin later on…. Get a wax dummy or something for the window… "Jack was smiling. "Not like you make any noise anyway. Probably take hours before your girls even realize…"

"Yeah, that's a good plan, you're a real thinker, Jack…." Ennis, after what seemed like an eternity, had finally made the decision to put his arms out and fight the tide that had been dragging him along. The fears were losing their control, and an overwhelming joy was taking their place.

"I even got a new harmonica…"

"Stop the fucking truck."

"Too late."

"Jack, I swear." they smiled at one another, and Ennis almost involuntarily raised a hand to caress his lovers cheek. For a day or a year or decades. He chose to allow himself to love, and it was all right.


	2. Chapter 2

Atop the crest of a hill Ennis surveyed the land that fell before him. Over years of dwindling revenue the outer reaches of the Twist family ranch fell into disuse, relinquishing it almost instantly to a dense and twisted underbrush. The Twists weren't the only local family to have faced hard times, and much of this part of the countryside lay abandoned. 

The land below was empty of any road or structure. The big trees were cleared in more prosperous times for farming and cattle. But now the cattle and wheat files had long since died, and the old pines and hardwoods no longer desired to reclaim their lands, instead surrendering them to a short thick tree with thorns andnearly black purple berries that smelled like rotting wood when they fell in the fall.All vegetationin the area seemed to have been cast up by mother nature to defend against another human incursion.

"Shit," was Ennis's brief but accurate assessment of the current condition of the land. He stood with his hands on his hips still looking down into the valley. "Jack… this land can't have been tended in the last 20 years…"

"Closer to 30." Jack wrapped his hands around Ennis waist and followed his eyes to the valley below. Ennis was grateful for the embrace that drove back the melancholy that the lonely land inspired. "I told ya it was a lot of work." Jacks grabbed one of Ennis's hands and pulled him along. He eyes sparkled with excitement. "I got a surprise or you." Ennis shot a glance skyward, bracing himself for anything. " I know it's not the swanky accommodations you're use to, but…" Jack extended his arms in dramatic presentation, "…but it's ours."

Before them was an old stone farmhouse partially hidden behind a line of old hardwood trees. It's stones were of uneven size and of various colors. The shape of the house suggested it was part house, part keep, part barn all in miniature. Ennis had though it was the foundation remains of an old barn when they first drove up andhadn't looked at it twice. As they got closer he saw it's tiled roof was sagging , but the walls looked solid and straight. Despite it's condition, the house stood proudly overlooking it's unkempt domain.

"It Halloween already?"

"Funny. It was my Mom's father's house. When he died, his will split it apart from the rest of the ranch, it's only about 10 acres but I loved it up here as a kid, and he left it to me."

Ennis' voice carried a tone of respectful incredulity that only Ennis seemed able to pull off. "It's looks like it was real nice place Jack… but do you think it's still safe?"

"It's been standing for about 150 years." Jack's eyes showed a pride in a lineage married to land. "My granddad moved up here after his kids were all married and his wife died. It's small, just enough for a couple of people. When I called my folks and told 'em we were coming, they didn't think that we'd have time to build a new place before the winter hit. So I forwarded some money to my Mom, she had people come out and replace the septic and fix the well." He looked doubtfully at the house. "I ain't been here in 15 years… Didn't realize how bad the house had got to." Surveying it further…. "I guess it's good I didn't have them turn the electric on.."

"This place got electric?" Ennis was honestly surprised.

"Use to."

"uhm… Jack…Your granddad… he didn't die in there did he…"

"Sure did."

Ennis looked carefully at the sagging roof and boarded windows. "He's not still in there, right?"

"Fuck you, Ennis."

* * *

The house proved to be in better condition then the exterior led them to believe. The roof was going to need repairing before the winter and replacing by the winter following, but there was very little water damage on the "second floor", which was more a large loft, and the majority of the wood inside still seemed solid. The walls were more than a foot thick and when the boards were removed from the deep set windows the whole house was flooded with a soft sunlight, tinted slightly green from the trees' canopy above.

The duct work was set though the house so it could be heated either by the oil furnace in the basement, which looked to be in working order, or the woodstoves located strategically throughout the house. Though there was no electricity currently, Ennis could see how it was run thought out the house hidden partially by a decorative base molding.

"This is a pretty nice place. Why hasn't anyone lived here for so long?"

"The road we came up on is new. Use to be the only way to get out here was a 3 mile dirt road."

The men sat exhausted on the porch on the ancient remains of a unsafe but comfortable swing, passing a bottle of bourbon and watching the stars above. The outlands (a term that had been adopted at some pointduring the day's laborsfor everything more then 50 feet away from the house,) was alive with activity in the evening. Unlike the day when the terrain seemed to taunt the would be ranchers, in the evening Ennis felt he was on the edge of a untouched wild, the edge of an Eden that was at once divine and terrifying . A smile spread over his lips as Jack put an arm around him, and gently kneaded his shoulder.

Ennis tried to remember when Jack's touch went from flooding him with blinding passion to filling him with a softly aching need just to feel his body close. Was it there their first night together... spent and scared, feeling his heartbeat and warm breath on his neck and shoulder. He turned his head to Jack and kissed him. He held a hand to Jack's cheek taking in every feature. Jack smiled eyes half closed in expectant supplication. That damn smile… Ennis felt the aching in his chest intensify. He kissed him again, harder and slid a hand around his waist.

"The camp bed is losing air… we're probably going to be on hard boards in the morning."

Ennis wanted to spend eternity in those arms, looking into those eyes. "I… can't think of anyplace I'd rather be."

"Me either."

"Time for bed?"

Jack stood up and pulled him Ennis up with him. He placed and arm around Ennis's neck pulling his head down into a violent kiss. Their bodies pressed hard against one another and both men could taste bourbon, smell the sweat of the day's long labor and feel a shared and quickening heartbeat.

" Time for bed." Jack said.


	3. Chapter 3

_Cicely is taken directly from Northern Exposure - which I also don't own or have any professional involvement with. It's not a crossover it's more an ode._ :)

* * *

Jacks eyes met Ennis's and an expectant smile crossed his face. Ennis tightened his grip on the hardness in his hands. 

Slowly Ennis began to push.

"Wait." Jack said. Ennis was exhausted from the days work, frustrated and too eager. It was too tight. "Hold up Ennis…" Jack said soothingly, guiding him. "There, that's right."

It was the same and different every time. Never knew exactly what to expect. Ennis pushed slightly. There was a little resistance. "It's not gonna fit."

"I'm gonna make it fit. Come on push." A little resistance then it finally slid in, releasing satisfied sighs from both men.

"I'm ready Ennis." Jack grunted under the strain and repositioned himself so he wouldn't lose his hold. Ennis grabbed his hammer and began pounding.

And in minutes it was done.

Ennis stumbled back, his back falling against the wall. He was covered in sweat and absently whipped away the wet from his chest and arched his head back. Jack followed kissed him, his hand following the same trail down Ennis's chest, but more slowly, and appreciatively.

They then smiled and leaned into one another.

Finally that last of the kitchen cabinets was up.

"Thank God that's over."

"I hear ya."

"I told you it would fit."

Ennis subtlety glanced at the 3 inches of wood that was "shaved" from sides of the cabinet out the corner of his eyes , then looked back to Jack. Nodded his head and said "Yeah, you got a good eye there Jack," and kissed him again.

"Damn straight…"

The last of the days energy was spent and the men basked in the glow of a job long put off, long labored , and now done to good result.

Ennis rolledso that his body pressed Jack hard against the wall. He placed his hands up over Jacks head and placed his feet so Jacks was between his legs, and kissed him hard and fast, nicking his lip on Jacks teeth, the pain carried the slight taste of blood that just intensified his need. "Let's hit the shower…" Ennis turned and walked towards the bathroom pausing only once to look over his should as he unbuckled his belt.

Jack didn't know what it was about this project but after every cabinet that went up Ennis was a wild man…  
As he took off after him, he was trying to decide which room was getting shelving next.

* * *

Ennis and Jack agreed on lots of things and disagree on lots more. But one thing that both held as a fundamental truth was that Holden and Rebecca Twist were angels if such a thing existed at all. 

Holden Twist, Jack's cousin, looked like a younger cherubic version of Jack with sandy blond hair and about 50 extra pounds. As a boy, Holden held his older cousin in awe. Jack was utterly unlike the rest of his family that was patiently waiting for the end of the world. Jack was passionate, spontaneous, unpredictable and so unapologetically alive. A handsome figure and rodeo star, Holden remembered the rush of pride whenever he had the chance to watch Jack ride.

He was the only relative that ever went down to Texas to visit Jack and Lureen. Lureen was instantly taken with the young man. Jack tried repeatedly to explain that Holden was not representative of the family as a whole whenever Lureen insisted on having the rest of his family down to Texas.

Holden too, was held a bit queer by the family. He went away to college in Berkley California and returned a year ago married to a an elder Jewess (age 27) from New York. Men yelled, women cried and children looked in fear as if the couple was going to try at any moment to eat them. And in the tradition of the dysfunction called family, time went on and what was frighteningbecame familiar and what couldn't be accepted was simply ignored, and life went on as if the hiccup never occurred at all.

"I can't wait." Holden said looking at the ceiling.

Rebecca patted his chest as the laid in bed. "You are too funny, Holden. I've can honestly say I've never seen you this excited about visiting your family before. I can't wait to meet him."

"He's awesome. You are going to love him."

"You said he's living in the old troll house?" Holden had taken her to see the house once, and she loved it. She thought it reminded her of an English cottage from medieval woodcut.

"Yeah."

"With his friend."

"Yeah. Ennis Del Mar."

"You ever met him?"

"No, though I feel like I have. They've been friends for as long as I can remember. He talked about him all the time."

Rebecca knew what was coming. She met Holden in college because she was friends with his roommate. His roommate 'gay Pete.' No issue. Over the years he had never expressed a prejudice of any kind. She loved that about him. Yet, he seemed to be forcing himself to be oblivious as to Jack and Ennis's relationship. "Perhaps I'm thinking too much like a New Yorker…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Are you sure it's a good idea to just barge in on them unannounced."

"They've been here almost two months and still don't have a phone. Jack's not the kind to ask for help, and you know the condition of that place. I'm sure they could use some help.."

"Maybe they haven't contacted anyone because the are enjoying their privacy?"

"Privacy? Ok, now you are thinking too much like a New Yorker. We don't have privacy in Wyoming. I'm pretty sure there are ordinances against it." Rebecca sighed an placed her head on his chest. He didn't bite. That meant he knew too. _Ok Holden. Let this play out your way._

* * *

"Surprise! Oh my God!" 

"AHH!" "AHH!"

"Oh my, I'm sorry…"

"AHH!" "OH FUCK!"

"uhm… this is my wife Rebecca…"

Other than raising an eyebrow briefly when the two men jumped up naked, Rebecca gave no sign that the visit wasn't going exactly to plan. "Nice to meet you gentelmen! Holden why don't we give your cousin and his partner a few minutes to gather themselves.…."

And so went the initial introduction.

* * *

"You are surprised?" 

"I had no idea…" Rebecca stared at Holden for a couple of minutes in silence. Realized he wasn't going to piece it together so she decided to help with a heavy sigh.

"This is your cousin Jack. The rodeo guy, vivacious and flamboyant…"

"I never said flamboyant!"

"Yes you did, but fine," she bent her fingers and continued " 'expressive and full of life' that moved across the state, into this house with his long time companion…"

"I never said companion!"

"Yes, Holden… yes you did, but fine, his long time "fishing-buddy" after they divorced their wives within a few weeks on one another... And this is the Ennis that, according to Jack's mom, Jack went on and on about…"

"Yeah… and?"

"Holden."

"Ok. Maybe I did suspect a little bit on some level that there was a possibility that they were… oh damn…" He shook his head. "This is an image that's going to stick for a while."

* * *

Ennis fought to keep his lunch down. This was it. It was all over. So soon and it was all over. Jack… He just watched Jack as he hastily looked for his cloths.. Ennis stumbled over to him and grabbed his shoulders and stared into those eyes. He would regain strength if he could just look into his eyes. Jack was scared too, but for different reasons… Holden wouldn't say nothing. But he didn't want to lose his little cousin's respect, he didn't want to see disgust in his eyes every time the crossed paths. His own concerns vanished as he looked at Ennis. His eyes intense a dark. He was trembling. Jack knew that Ennis was seeing him like he had seen Earl. "Jack we gotta be ready to go." 

"Ennis…"

"Jack… I can't see you hurt.." Ennis was stumbling on words, "Jack… I don't care what we do, I… I'm not ready to lose you yet." Ennis head was swimming and he thought he was going fall down. Jack held him close. "I don't care what happens, Jack. I've never been happy like this. Only thing I'd change is that I'd have taken you up on your offer the first time…" Jack stoked Ennis hair as they held on another, head on each others shoulders.

"Holden's not gonna come after us. He don't like conflict. Never did. He won't say anything. It's gonna be ok - it's gonna be ok. Come on, get dressed. People here don't like to know stuff they aren't ready for… and let me tell ya, people aren't ready for much… We can tell em we was cleaning and didn't want to get our cloths dirty… He don't need to really believe it.. .he just has to tell himself that he believes it… "

* * *

As the door slowly opened, Rebecca's first thought was what a handsome couple they made. The men walked with small measured steps like convicted felons to the gallows. She felt a wave of sympathy and then an anger that the world could damage someone so deeply. 

Holden saw it too. It drove though him and he was suddenly grounded again. His face lit up when he saw Jack and he ran up to the porch.

"I ain't denying you Jack, never again." Ennis said softly and took up his partners hand. This small show of support so difficult and sincere grabbed at Rebecca's heart. She instantly like this Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar.

"Jack, you old son of a bitch!" Holden embraced him. "It's so good to see you. I've been calling your Mom weekly for a month to see when we could come up. We knew you didn't have a phone yet, and I figured with all the work you have it might be a while so I thought we'd just come on over. Gosh Guys, I'm really sorry for interrupting like I did…." Holden looked down to his feet. "I get a little carried away sometimes."

_Oh boy that trait runs through the whole damn family_, Ennis thought. He began wondering if they should put locks on the windows too.

"I assume your are Ennis Del Mar!" Holden held out a hand to Ennis who was slow to act still shocked…  
"And if you aren't, I think you are going to be in whole lot of trouble when he gets back."

Ennis was guarded, still looking for the violence behind the smiling eyes. He tried to see him with a tire iron, but he couldn't make the picture form in his mind. "Nice to meet you."

Rebecca came up and Holden introduced her. She shook the men's hands and they quickly removed their hats. "Pleasure ma'am."

"It's a pleasure to meet you two, I've heard so much about you I feel like I know you already!"

Holden insisted on treating the guys to dinner at Roslyn's café, in town. The troll house was officially part of the town of Cicely, which is where the Holden and Rebecca lived as well. As the four talked in the car on the way to the café, Rebecca wondered if perhaps on some level Holden knew what he was doing after all. It was all out in the open and they all could move onto other things. This worked out nicely. And damn. What nice bodies those two cowboys had… it was a good day.


	4. Chapter 4

Autumn seemed to get a late start that year. In early October the weather was unseasonably warm, more like that of late August. In jeans and crisp white shirts Ennis and Jack drove towards town with the widows rolled down enjoying the extended summer that they knew would soon fade into winter. The setting sun intensified the colors of the tree'sleaves that had just begun to change. The pockets of color shined like gems on a darkening green velvet drop. King of the Road was playing softly on the radio. Jack turned his head to look at Ennis and grasped his right hand that was resting on his leg. Ennis glanced over, then raised Jack's hand and kissed it before they settled their grasped hands on the seat again. 

"You know this is the song that I was listening to when I drove into your driveway after I got your postcard." Ennis glanced at him again and smiled warmly. "This is what I was thinking about the entire way. Now it's like I'm getting to touch a dream."

Ennis who was previously thinking about who he was going to assign the unpleasant task of castrating the calves the next week, was caught of guard by Jacks sudden sentimentality. The unexpected expression of tenderness started the familiar ache in his chest that only holding Jack tightly against him relieved. "If you keeping looking at me like that, were never gonna make it to Holden and Rebecca's." Ennis released Jacks hand and placed his arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. For several miles they rode silently, listening to the radio and the wind.

* * *

Rebecca answered the door looking surprisingly perky. "You broke your fast didn't you." Jack said as he kissed her. 

"By noon with coffee and a cigarette. Don't tell Joel"

"Happy Yom Kippur." Ennis said also kissing Rebecca on the cheek. "Where you want the cherry cake?"

"Oh that's so sweet! But I told Holden to tell everyone that I was having Adam cater this! You didn't have to bring anything!"

Ennis looked at Jack. "You know I thought he always seemed more excited about the cake then Bekah here."

"He's a scammer." She said and lead them into the house.

Holden came up and gave both men a bear hug. Ennis extended his hand with the cherry cake. Holden's eye's lit up. He looked with little guilt at the three people that stared back at him. "Yeah, yeah you caught me. Let's slice it up!"

Rebecca who was the self proclaimed "worst Jew in the world" decided to host a dinner at sundown to break the fast for Yom Kippur (though of the 30 + people there she and Joel were the only two Jews.). As a girl this was the tradition that her parents held every year. Although she didn't remember a single prayer, she remembered the dinners. Everyone was ravenous, or pretended to be ravenous… The whole extended family gathered and laughed and fought and laughed again. It was loud and lively and people drank too much and ate even more. It was a celebration of a shared way of life, belief and identity. In her mind it solidified the idea of tribe. It's why she still held dear her heritage even if she herself was horribly profane.

She and Holden were instantly welcome into the fold of the small tight knit community of Cicely and it's peculiar collections of wonderful and eccentric citizens. This was a family as well. As the evening meandered on she watched over her family with thankfulness. Holden, Chris and Ed having a lively debate on the Nietzschean influence on Star Wars, Ennis and Holling swapping bear encounter horror stories, Jack and Joel talking about the decaying economy and world politics, her aunt Anne talking with Ron and Eric about their travels into Japan. Like a scintillating painting made of vibrant oils they flowed in and about one another, new groups formed and topics evolved into entirely unexpected discussions.

Rebecca sat next to her Aunt Annie, who wasn't actually related but had known her parents since college and had been close friend of the family since. A writer by profession she always loved talking to people about their lives and experiences. She was talking with Ennis and Jack about their summer on Brokeback mountain, their lives apart and their coming to Cicely. At some point Ron and Eric joined the conversation, and added their own tales of trying to hold onto one another while Eric was in the Marines and Ron was parading his wife at business dinners. Ennis even told her all he could remember about Earl and Rich. Each story held the same string of fear, love, longing, and doubt and guilt, all purchased with their very lives and without any guarantees.

"We are lucky in a way that too few people are. We had a community that not just welcomed us, but embraced us like family.." Ennis looked about the room. "From setting up the books to fixing the barn there isn't a person here who I ain't grateful for. I don't know if we could have gotten the ranch up an running without 'em. Even if we did it wouldn't be running as smooth as it is. We got a good life, but we didn't get here alone."

Rebecca thought about Ron setting up the incorporation paper's for the Twist-Del Mar Ranch, Jack and Ennis painting Ruth Ann's house, Ruth Ann teaching Shelly how to prepare Elk, Shelly helping Ed edit his movie, Ed helping Chris rebuild his engine, Chris helping and consoling Maggie when her cabin burned down, and Maggie flying her plane in a blizzard to get insulin for Ron from the hospital in Gainesville… My tribe she thought with satisfaction.

* * *

A package arrived many years later from Annie. It was multiple copies of the New Yorker, where her story, conceived on that night at Holden and Rebecca's was published. Although neither was much of a reader, both read the story multiple times. Jack asked each time, "Why she have to end it so depressing?"

Though she changed the names of the protagonists, and seemed to combine elements from Jack and Ennis's life, Ron and Eric's and the tragic lives of Earl and Rich, into the story, both men saw themselves portrayed in those pages.

In Ennis it struck cords much deeper, reawakened old fears almost forgotten. It could have been that way, on some level he knew it almost was that way. It was as if Anne read his heart and expressed his fears in a way he could not. "Thank you, Jack."

"For what?" Jack said sleepily as they lay in bed.

"For coming for me."

Jack stared blankly at him for a moment. "What?"

"After the divorce. And.. for loving me." They had lived together for more than twenty years, and still that damn smile of Jack's made Ennis feel like his heart would burst.

"Thanks for loving me too." They kissed one another lightly.

The men lay intertwined in the silent night sharing the warmth and comfort of a love that would never grow old. Now as they crept beyond middle age Ennis found himself pondering the same thing that he did on that first day Jack came to 'collect' him. Days, years or decades… Sometimes he felt that if he tried he could recall every moment of their life together. It was the one treasure that he knew he would take into heaven with him, in many way's it was how he defined heaven.

As Jack was slipping into dream he said, "Swear you won't ever stop loving me Ennis, cus' you know I could never stop loving you…"

"Jack, I swear." Ennis said with tears forming in his eyes. And both men fell asleep and dreamed of a summer of big skies, campfires and freshly awakened love.

* * *


End file.
